Review of A Wasteland of My God’s Own Making By Bradley P Beaulieu Written by Dan Stubbings

Book Synopsis

Djaga Akoyo left the grasslands of her homeland long ago and rose to prominence in Sharakhai’s fighting pits as the famed Lion of Kundhun. What Djaga revealed to no one, however, is the terrible secret that drove her to leave Kundhun in the first place. That secret is brought back to the fore when her sister tribeswoman, Afua, comes to Sharakhai unannounced and threatens to reveal her shameful past, a thing that would upend the life Djaga has worked so hard to build for herself.

Djaga and Afua’s pasts are linked. Afua tells her that with one final bout in the killing pits, both their demons will be excised. But Djaga has more to worry about than Afua’s demons, or even her own. She has Nadín as well, a woman she hopes to share a life with once she’s left the pits for good. But how can she start a new life with Nadín when the terrible acts she committed in her homeland still haunt her?

Djaga must decide once and for all whether she’ll face them, but in doing so she may lose the one she loves.

My Review

After being engrossed by the imagery and vastness of the Song of Shattered Sands series. I couldn’t wait to digest the latest offering a novella focused entirely upon Ceda’s mysterious pit fighter trainer Djaga. A character I have been fascinated with since first reading Twelve Kings. The reason being is because Bradley only gives the reader limited information on who she is and why she is important to Ceda. Shrouding her in mystery and intrigue which you can’t help but want to explore. This novella helped answer some of my nagging questions about her background whilst at the same time create an interesting character development that I hope is explored in further stories.

What I enjoy most about this novella is that it plunges you straight into the action, opening up with Djaga seeing the love of her life Nadin seriously injured in a hospital bed that forces her to make a choice. This sets in motion a chain of events that spans decades. Exploring present day as well as flashbacks from her early childhood where we learn about her fractured relationship with her cousin Afua and discover that Djaga has her own dark secret.  We are given hints of this secret throughout that drives the story forward making you hungry to discover why she ended up never returning to the pits.

This novella has all the elements that make Bradley’s works a must read for any fantasy fan or aspiring fantasy writer. The action beats like a well- tuned guitar slick, clean, gut wrenching, and makes you feel as if you are the one fighting. Throwing every thrust, kick, and punch as you hope for survival.  I think one of the beauties of Bradley’s writing is that it makes you detach from your own world for a few hours. Taking  you into a sizzling sprawling desert that you can’t see an escape from but at the same time don’t want to leave.

This novella is an enthralling entry into the Song of Shattered Sands Universe. Giving us more information on the desert tribes and settlements away from Sharakhai. Which is a refreshing change from the City of Kings. I loved how we got to see a time before Ceda. Enabling me to explore characters that have helped shape Ceda but maintain a uniqueness that makes you as a reader get lost in their stories.  Bradley delivers a banquet of ideas in this glimpse of what I feel could be a much wider arc. Introducing new gods and mythology that I hope he will be able to drip feed into the six books. As I really enjoyed the cost associated with this secret, and what it could mean to Ceda in the long run. The threads in this universe are mind-blowing. If you haven’t read these books yet, please do. 5 out of 5 stars. Magnificent.

I received a copy of this novella from the author in exchange for an honest review. This doesn’t affect my views.

 

 

 

 

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Review of In the Vanishers Palace by Aliette De Bodard Written by Dan Stubbings

Book Blurb:

In a ruined, devastated world, where the earth is poisoned and beings of nightmares roam the land… 

A woman, betrayed, terrified, sold into indenture to pay her village’s debts and struggling to survive in a spirit world.

A dragon, among the last of her kind, cold and aloof but desperately trying to make a difference.

When failed scholar Yên is sold to Vu Côn, one of the last dragons walking the earth, she expects to be tortured or killed for Vu Côn’s amusement.

But Vu Côn, it turns out, has a use for Yên: she needs a scholar to tutor her two unruly children. She takes Yên back to her home, a vast, vertiginous palace-prison where every door can lead to death. Vu Côn seems stern and unbending, but as the days pass Yên comes to see her kinder and caring side. She finds herself dangerously attracted to the dragon who is her master and jailer. In the end, Yên will have to decide where her own happiness lies—and whether it will survive the revelation of Vu Côn’s dark, unspeakable secrets…

Review

After discovering Aliette’s The Tea Master and the Detective this year I have been on a one man mission to read as much of her work as possible. So I was absolutely thrilled to receive a early review copy of her new novella In the Vanishers Palace. A dark retelling of Beauty and the Beast with an interesting twist the beast is a shape-shifting female dragon one of the last of its kind. I couldn’t wait to dive into this fast moving narrative.

When Yen is sold to one the last remaining dragons in her world Vu Con. She expects the worse, unexpectedly however she is tasked with tutoring Vu’s two unruly children, as time passes Yen finds herself developing feelings she never expected for Vu as more of Vu’s personality is revealed to her these feelings deepen. I adored how Aliette developed the relationship between Yen and Vu Con. Showing that even though Vu is a dragon she still struggles with secrets, and a longing to be accepted in her world. As the story unfolds Vu becomes almost human in our eyes making us wonder what truly is a monster? You cant help but begin to root for Yen’s and Vu’s relationship as you become engrossed in this charming tale these scenes come to life like a movie reel inside your head.  You can imagine every second of their interactions. My words simply cant do them justice. Please pick up the book, and appreciate them for yourself they are stunning bravo Aliette. 

The blending of Vietnamese myths within the narrative only further heightens the enjoyment as you read on with ravish. It may only be 145 pages in length but Aliette has been able to craft a wide spanning world that ensnares the senses, enabling her to expose both light and dark details of this dystopian world with a sensitivity that is quite simply astonishing. I loved the description of Vu Con’s lair as it grew within my mind every detail building on the last, becoming so vivid I felt as though I could almost reach out and touch it.  This book is a must read for writers wanting to learn how to write LGBT characters in a sensitive, and unpatronising way that gives real weight to the characters, and pushes the narrative forward. 

It receives 5 stars as Aliette’s writing continues to leave me wanting more. All I can say is buy it you won’t regret it.

I received a copy from the author for an honest review this doesn’t effect my views.

 

Review Of Guess Who by Chris McGeorge Written by Dan Stubbings

Book Synopsis

ONE ROOM. FIVE SUSPECTS.
THREE HOURS TO FIND A KILLER.

GUESS WHO

A waitress. A cleaner. An actress. A lawyer. A student. Everyone is a suspect.

WHERE

In a locked room – with no escape, and no idea how they got there.

WHAT

In the bathtub, the body of a man they all knew. Someone murdered him. Someone in this room.

WHY

They have three hours to find out. Or they all die.

THE RULES ARE SIMPLE. THE GAME IS NOT

Review

Let me start this review off by saying this book took me by surprise from the moment I opened it to the final paragraph. The book opens with a young pupil finding his teacher hanging from the ceiling in his classroom. This begins a chain of events that will have you up until the early hours, as you race ahead to find out how a suicide of a teacher links into the main plot. It is one of the most intriguing subplots I had the pleasure of reading in recent crime fiction, and didn’t see the conclusion coming at all simply brilliant.

A large proportion of the book is spent in one room told through the eyes of Morgan Sheppard. A big time TV show host who is famous for solving crimes. However when he wakes up tied to a bed with five strangers staring at him and a dead body in the bathtub his detective skills are truly put to the test. Unfortunately for the others in the room, Morgan is suffering a deep trauma and isn’t dealing with it in the best way using drink and drugs to help him get by. As the plot develops this begins to have a greater impact upon him making you wonder will he solve it in time or will they all perish.

One of my main worries when reading the book was how will Chris be able to maintain the tension when such a massive amount of the action occurs in one room.  I should never of worried because at no point does Chris lose tension. In fact he was able to increase it to such a level that I felt I was in the room with them. Speaking the dialogue becoming the detective.

The main reason why I felt this was because of how every character is described to the reader. Making us either love them, hate them, or be not quite sure about them. I found that Chris’s way in presenting these details to us was unique, and allowed me to become more engaged with an assembled cast of characters then I have in a longtime within modern crime fiction. Chris has made sure all the characters have well developed backstories, which keeps you intrigued throughout taking you through multiple emotions from hate, anger, love, and sadness. A character which stuck with me to the end was Headphones. A shy claustrophobic girl who hardly speaks but when she does you listen because you find yourself yearning to discover what her role is within this complex plot. I fell in love with her. I am sure you will to.

Something I wasn’t expecting were the chapters told from the viewpoint of the antagonist. These chapters were some of my favourites as it allows the reader to tear back layers of their personality, and discover what has driven the antagonist to commit this crime.  I hope Chris uses this kind of viewpoint again in his future works, as it is a rarity in crime and something I greatly enjoyed.

Highly recommended 5 stars. An outstanding debut. I can’t wait to see what Chris produces next.

Extract from The Thought Book 2 By Jay Mullings As part of Blog Tour uploaded By Dan Stubbings

Extract

The Truth About Being A Black British Screenwriter

Getting The Respect You Deserve As A Black British Screenwriter, A Die Hard Mission Impossible… – JM

DID HE JUST SAY THAT?

Yes, I said it! Someone had to! It’s hard being a Black British Screenwriter. In Britain it isn’t Black History Month. Over here, there is still very far to go before you will see the types of stories I grew up starved for. My daily diet is composed of a lot of TV, Film and Books. Don’t think for a single second this is coming from nowhere. I’ve studied my craft and I continuously practice it well. Having travelled far and wide to seek the wisdom of my peers, trusted the opinions of others and even entered festivals in lands I’ve never travelled to!

These are not the ramblings of someone who has given up; rather they are the words of someone who is getting even more fired up! Have you never gotten fired up before delivering your best stuff? – JM

WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?

What is fuelling this fire? The stupid myth this country is clinging desperately to. Yes, I’m talking about the vaunted gatekeepers. You might like to think of yourselves as upholding standards but you’re really so far beneath it.

Everyone has a reason not to give you a chance as a writer, no one is immune to rejection. This is known to all who have tried to gain representation or pitch an idea etc. Now add being black and male on top. There is a fetish for BAME female writers and it seems the black man is collateral damage. Now am I happy to see BAME people of any kind secure the bag? Of course! Should that diminish the demand for my stories and perspective? No! Balance is the goal after all right?

MOVING GOALPOSTS FOR BLACK BRITISH SCREENWRITERS…

You’ve won awards? That’s nice, but have you won this particular one? Yeah I mean exactly the one that traditionally has never been awarded to your types (unique black) of story.

You know, ones where the black people in them do things over than get whipped for period specific reference, get called uncivilised or savages, sell work out of an estate or hurt people as a hobby.

USEFUL FEEDBACK?

Badly disguised coded language to the highest degree, with people passing on the world’s most patronising advice as if you’re far too stupid to notice. We can’t market your story about black people who came here in the heights of racist Britain via boat and the foundation they set up for future generations. Yes, because all we seem to do here is make

period pieces where black people are treated like fodder until somebody (white) saves them or they die in service.

CONCEPTUAL MISUNDERSTANDING?

Maybe it’s because in this particular story they speak patios amongst themselves in parts. They have only one child, they hustle to survive. The youngster skips school to contribute, working with his hands to come up. He gets married, sends his only child to boarding school, to give him the best possible chance at elevating his lineage to more legitimate endeavours. I could go on but you get the point. 3 generations in one story. Rich world building and character depth.

IF IT WERE…

On the other hand, if this family were to be based in America and let’s say Italian in descent. These same gatekeepers would welcome it with open arms. Rhetoric like, “It’s so authentic, they even speak Italian amongst each other” etc. There is a reason people (not me) have dubbed Tree House the mini/baby (TV) Godfather worldwide. It resonates as a story that needs to be told. Is it an exact replica? No! However, it is a point of reference much like Tolkien was for Martin. Did that make Songs of Ice and Fire any less of a celebrated masterpiece? Open your minds and stop being so rigid. Move past period pieces and romanticising about a lack of social progress.

BRITISH TV/FILM HAS NO MARKET FOR STORIES FROM BLACK BRITISH SCREENWRITERS?

I’m tired of the made up excuses about what can and can’t work, while comparing it to other things from across the Atlantic. British TV is dire because there is no representation. There is no medium between period drama whitewashing and estate life. If there is, it’s an exercise in tokenism and not something with any staying power. It is never used as a launching pad for other unique stories. There is a reason people are seeking these American shows with pluralism. Firstly they are interesting and secondly they at least attempt to address the imbalance.

BLACK BRITISH SCREENWRITERS ARE HERE ON THE BACK OF SKILL/WILL…

Careers have been launched (America), resurrected and there is progression in sight. New voices have been nurtured and they make sure the world knows who they are. Over here? It’s as if you have to wait for someone to die for an opening. Even the people with credits get put on ice and abandoned to melancholy for years. Acting isn’t the only creative endeavour in Film/TV! Stop making it about the success of one person while ignoring so many others of equal or even superior talent. It’s not a turnstile, this one in one out thing has to stop!

LITERARY AGENCIES I AM TALKING TO YOU…

Agencies! Do you even have BAME people reading your submissions? Not that you should be blind to good storytelling in the first place, but why is it you don’t seem to believe unique stories from BAME communities are very ‘now’? Was there a memo stating that being a screenwriter was off limits to black men in particular that I didn’t receive?

BEING A BLACK BRITISH SCREENWRITER BEFORE THE REVOLUTION

I wrote Feminunity 3 years before #METOO and the ‘all black’ solidarity for #TIMESUP. This story has strong female characters (7 lead roles) and covers situations not dissimilar to some of the chilling stories victims have bravely shared. Why shouldn’t this see the light of day? Shouldn’t it be made? Is this not relevant and now? Can’t an R rated film showing something other than slavery/war/Nazi Germany be backed here? Do I have to go to America before England says, “Hey big head?”

FINALLY

I know everybody has heard about the success of The Black Panther movie #WakandaForever. However, there is more to it than just good marketing, casting and the draw of comic books. People are starved for movies which serve up more than the same ole same old. Representation definitely matters! So where is that same energy in the UK? Where are these new Black British voices? I’m just asking for a friend…

 

jm

ABOUT ME

Award winning screenwriter, poet and recently nominated blogger. I believe in Truthful, Fearless, Creativity. Writing is a gift I don’t take for granted! Life is finite, so I’m here now and I’d like to make an impact. As a person I am positive, engaging, laidback, jovial but also capable of intense focus. I’ve known for years what I wanted to do and I’ve set about it with passion and originality. As you can imagine, being artificially held back is not something I could’ve predicted. The frustration I feel is a byproduct.

Extract from The Thought Book 2 by Jay Mullings. Jay is an award-winning screenwriter, and his books The Thought Book & The Thought Book 2 are out now, available from writtenmirror.com. Follow Jay on twitter and Instagram @WrittenMirror.

Thanks to The Book Publicist for inviting me to be part of this tour.

Review of Lancelot by Giles Kristian Written By Dan Stubbings

Book Synopsis

The legions of Rome are a fading memory. Enemies stalk the fringes of Britain. And Uther Pendragon is dying. Into this fractured and uncertain world the boy is cast, a refugee from fire, murder and betrayal. An outsider whose only companions are a hateful hawk and memories of the lost.

Yet he is gifted, and under the watchful eyes of Merlin and the Lady Nimue he will hone his talents and begin his journey to manhood. He will meet Guinevere, a wild, proud and beautiful girl, herself outcast because of her gift. And he will be dazzled by Arthur, a warrior who carries the hopes of a people like fire in the dark. But these are times of struggle and blood, when even friendship and love seem doomed to fail.

The gods are vanishing beyond the reach of dreams. Treachery and jealousy rule men’s hearts and the fate of Britain itself rests on a sword’s edge.
But the young renegade who left his home in Benoic with just a hunting bird and dreams of revenge is now a lord of war. He is a man loved and hated, admired and feared. A man forsaken but not forgotten. He is Lancelot.

Set in a 5th century Britain besieged by invading bands of Saxons and Franks, Irish and Picts, Giles Kristian’s epic new novel tells – in Lancelot’s own words – the story of the most revered yet reviled of all Arthur’s knights, the warrior who fought at his lord’s side – yet stole his wife. This is the story of the of one of the great figures of British myth and legend – a story ready to be re-imagined for our times.

My Review

After reading and watching countless material on the King Arthur legend. I was intrigued to see what new insight Giles Kristian would bring in his new release Lancelot. I am pleased to report that he hasn’t disappointed, breathing fresh air into a tale that is as old as the British Isles themselves.

The focus on Lancelot’s early life is what held my attention throughout this book. Giles has been able to write really interesting threads regarding Lancelot’s upbringing, and personality. Which gripped my attention in ways that I hadn’t encountered from previous works on Lancelot and Arthur.

This enabled me as a reader to reassess my previous conclusions about Lancelot, and explore his character with fresh eyes that forced me to see the man instead of the legend. I found this incredibly satisfying, and found myself becoming more emotionally invested in Lancelot as a character than I had previously when reading his legend. As the story progressed I was pleased to see Giles move away from the traditional narrative of Lancelot. His scandalous affair with Guinevere that destroyed his relationship with Arthur, and almost Camelot.

Instead Giles has chosen to examine sides of him that normally wouldn’t come into consideration. This change in narrative has allowed Giles to take us on a journey through Lancelot’s  tortured past. Giving the reader insight into his training, his relationship with his father, his time living with a certain individual called Merlin. As well as his nurturing of a hawk that he is grossly unprepared for.

Some highly emotional, and beautifully written scenes from Giles within the book occurred when Lancelot was developing his bond with the hawk. Training it to become a vicious friend who he could never be parted. Giles has a way of making even the most simple scene come to life, slowly drawing you in, making you lower your guard, before ripping apart your soul at a later date. When I finished I felt I had run five marathons back to back it is that intense.

Of course Arthur is mentioned. You couldn’t have one without the other. However even in the scenes with Arthur at no point do you get the feeling that he is the main focus. Giles keeps your mind firmly fixed on Lancelot. By creating more mystery within his character, making you wonder who truly was the man we know as Lancelot? And could he actually be real?

This enthralling book moves at a delicious pace hitting the reader with a buffet of sensory delights from vivid fight scenes, shipwrecks, and characters that burn into your soul.  You hear every clash of swords, smell the richness of the blood, taste the bitterness of the sea as it hits your lips, feel the pain and anguish that Lancelot goes through, and visualise the harshness of the land in which our characters walk.  The writing is food for the soul. It  seems to sing off the page, as you race to keep up, and discover how the boy became the legend in all his gory detail. This is a historical epic at its finest perfect for fans of Ben Kane, and Bernard Cornwell. 5 Stars.

I received a copy from the author for an honest review this doesn’t effect my views.

 

Review of my Book of the Year Dark Pines by Will Dean Written by Dan Stubbings

Book Synopsis

SEE NO EVIL

Eyes missing, two bodies lie deep in the forest near a remote Swedish town.

HEAR NO EVIL

Tuva Moodyson, a deaf reporter on a small-time local paper, is looking for the story that could make her career.

SPEAK NO EVIL

A web of secrets. And an unsolved murder from twenty years ago.

Can Tuva outwit the killer before she becomes the final victim? She’d like to think so. But first she must face her demons and venture far into the deep, dark woods if she wants to stand any chance of getting the hell out of small-time Gavrik.

Review

Ill admit when I first picked up Dark Pines, and saw that the protagonist was deaf. I thought here we go again. Another author who won’t have done research, resulting in a character that appears weak, which forces them to have to rely on others to feel part of their society, and makes them feel almost embarrassed to be disabled.

This kind of portrayal had become the norm for me when reading disabled characters in literacy or film. Where it appeared that writers had simply gone into a dark room, and produced these stereotypical characters without considering to consult disabled people. Which would have enabled them to get true opinions and find out if these characters they had written were accurate representations of how the disabled population saw themselves. Instead of simply allowing the writers to adhere to some kind of inclusion quota. This caused me to disengage with these characters as I became more frustrated over time as I felt they didn’t reflect me as an individual.

Therefore it was a breath of fresh air opening this book and discovering that Tuva the main protagonist is the complete opposite.  Quite frankly there isn’t enough words in the English language to tell you how much I adore Tuva Moodyson. I cried tears of joy, as I raced ahead to discover more about this bad-ass woman.  As Will had finally made me feel that a disabled character represented me in all their glory. Thank you Will.

At no point did he make Tuva weak or make her need anyone else to accomplish her goals. She is a fiercely independent woman who is proud of her disability, and never hides, or uses it for an excuse. I was punching the air with glee reading paragraph after paragraph saying this is me in female form. Will has done an incredible job of capturing what it truly means to be a modern day disabled person, other writers take note this is how we want to be written. Will absolutely nails it. He empowers Tuva in several ways she is a respected journalist, she lives independently, and has a vibrant sex life and drives a mean truck that seems to take on anything. I didn’t want the book to end. She is a character that stays with you. I haven’t been able to get her out my head since I finished this epic read.

Now if that isn’t enough to make you go out and buy this book on the spot. There is more to wet your appetite.

Will is like an award winning chef adding just the right amount of ingredients to make you devour this book in one sitting. From gory detailed murders, to a range of memorable characters. My favourite of which are a pair of mysterious wood carving sisters that I truly hope I never meet down a dark alley as they scare me to death. They are so creepy.

They are just one of several characters that help to create a fast paced narrative. That causes you as a reader to continuously question each characters motives, as Will moves you around his chessboard of murder and deceit you begin to wonder will Tuva figure it out in time, and live to see another day.

What further makes it standout is the setting. A dense, dark, Swedish forest that seems to come alive as each scene unfolds. Drawing Tuva deeper into its clutches, as she goes in search of what could be the connection between the murders of the present, and a set of murders known as the Medusa murders carried out many years previously. The connection being of course that all the corpses have their eyes carved out. I loved this signature of the murderer. I found it unique helping to build tension as you tried to uncover who would lose their eyes next.

This book has everything you look for in a crime novel. Atmospheric setting, an engaging and multi layer protagonist. Unique killings, well rounded subplots with satisfying conclusions. It has it all. I cant speak highly enough of this astonishing read. 5 stars isn’t enough it’s that good. All I can say is go out and buy it now. I love it.

Review of City of Lies (A Poison War Novel) By Sam Hawke Written by Dan Stubbings

Book Synopsis 

I was seven years old the first time my uncle poisoned me… 

Outwardly, Jovan is the lifelong friend of the Chancellor’s charming, irresponsible Heir. Quiet. Forgettable. In secret, he’s a master of poisons and chemicals, trained to protect the Chancellor’s family from treachery. When the Chancellor succumbs to an unknown poison and an army lays siege to the city, Jovan and his sister Kalina must protect the Heir and save their city-state.

But treachery lurks in every corner, and the ancient spirits of the land are rising…and angry.

Review

Sam Hawke has been able to create a fantasy world, and plot that challenges the norms of the fantasy genre, and pushes the boundaries to great affect. As a reader I always look for originality in fantasy, as it can sometimes become bogged down in the same old plot lines, and characters. That are enjoyable however most of the time you can kind of predict their next move. However I couldn’t say this about Sam’s debut novel.

It has a delightful freshness and twists that you cannot predict. That ooze off every page with ease drawing you deeper into the world, city, and characters she has created. Her writing style has a uniqueness that you rarely see within the fantasy genre, and one I enjoyed immensely.

From the way she dip feeds information regarding the vast society within her imaginary world, to how much information she gives us on how its governed, and what poisons are at play. Her voice comes through, adding a insightful prose to the descriptions, and dialogue given to the main elements of characters and the world itself.

I also enjoyed the lack of a magic system within the narration. Due to the fact that at times I feel to much focus is given to how magic is used, and controlled within fantasy. However Sam didn’t need this to make her story fast paced and highly enjoyable.

I loved how every chapter opened up with a description of a new poison its symptoms, what it could do, and how it was administered.

At times I feared this would impact upon the tension within the story, as you believed someone was going to be affected by this new poison. However as I read on the poison fell into the background. As you hitched a ride on the coat tails of Jovan or Kalina the two main character viewpoints within the story.

I especially enjoyed how Sam chose to give us different narrations from what we are used to within fantasy. Enabling us to see the perspectives of the people tasked with protecting the heirs of their society, instead of an assassin who is tasked with killing them.

This bought with it beautifully detailed insights, and helped me warm to, and care about the characters deeper than I have in some recent fantasies I have read. Sam hits all the feels, and takes you on an emotional roller-coaster as you fight to understand what is happening.

The whole story takes places in one city however at no point does the scale of what Sam is trying to achieve feel small. In parts it reminded me of RJ Barker’s Wounded Kingdom Series. As readers are taken on a thrill ride of mystery and intrigue, asking you the constant question of whodunnit.

This is a brilliant genre mashup, and I look forward to seeing where this series goes. Also if the opening line to the book “I was seven years old the first time my uncle poisoned me”. Doesn’t grab your attention. Then quite frankly you need to give your head a shake. This book deserves to be huge. Go out and buy it well done Sam.

Extract from Lifeshocks by Sophie Sabbage Posted By Dan Stubbings

Extract

Just In Case

As the targeted radiation continues to strike my brain, the hours replenish themselves. I am no longer judging this experience one way or the other. It is what it is and I am in it. Letting go. I have entrusted my beautiful brain to a team of strangers who are monitoring it every second to ensure I am still Sophie at the end of the procedure. And as I recognise this reality, gratitude dawns and spreads across my chest. This is what cancer does. It repeatedly brings my need for control to its knees.

All my life I have encountered Something Greater in the ebb more than the flow. From early on, I needed to march into the world not away from it, to find the sacred in the slime and grace in loss and peace on the other side of pain. I have never encountered the divine by going to a church or temple. I find it in those ‘lifeshock’ moments when what is really so confronts what I believe is so – until all the bullshit is shaken loose.

This is what Dr Brown, whom I knew as ‘Brad’, taught me: to look for specifics in a shit-storm; to pick one crest of one wave out of the rolling surf, the one that picks me by catching my attention more than the others; to hone in on a precise moment within the whole cascading experience. Not cancer, but ‘twenty-seven brain tumours’; not the loss of my books but the words, ‘I threw them away’; not date rape, but the bruises on my thighs after a night I couldn’t remember; not Gamma Knife radiotherapy, but the sight of a metal helmet screwed to my head like a vice when I looked in the mirror.

This is a lifeshock: a moment in time when something happens that you didn’t want or expect.

The specificity of these moments is very important. The mind loves to analyse events retrospectively, interpreting what happened by looking back on it and drawing conclusions. This is why some people spend years in counselling, trying to figure out the causes of their pain (which is a great way of not feeling the pain). Analysis does not reliably access the unconscious mind, which mostly stays hidden because that’s where it likes to stay.

When Brad was a practising therapist, he realised that taking people back to a specific lifeshock moment, and asking them to re-experience it, instantly unlocked their emotions and unconscious ‘mindtalk’ (what we tell ourselves about any given thing). It is like opening a file on a hard drive. This is because the thoughts and feelings we had at the time, which went unnoticed, are sealed in the memory of a single instant. You may have observed those occasions when you tell someone a story about something that happened in your life and, as you speak about the particulars, your feelings surface again, sometimes with great force. What I am describing is a way to invite emotions and mindtalk to surface very deliberately so that we see them in the clear light of day. This is a way to access the unconscious at will.

We get dozens of lifeshocks a day, some more significant than others. We allow many to bounce off us, unnoticed. We perceive them through our senses: we hear, see, smell, taste and touch them. They are external to us, appearing as empirical data and colliding with our internal expectations of how things should be. They are out of our control. Through lifeshocks, factual reality knocks on the door of personal reality, inviting us to realign with it, like sailors responding to sudden changes in the

wind direction by adjusting their sails. Discovering how to do so on a daily basis, while awakening and evolving in the process, is one of the primary purposes of this book.

Sometimes lifeshocks need to get very loud before we hear them. Sometimes we need to look death in the eye to realise what we want to make of living. Sometimes we don’t keep our promises until it is nearly too late. We think we have time. We get distracted. We doubt we can live up to our self-imposed standards. Until now, I haven’t known how to write about what Brad taught me and do it justice. He didn’t even do that himself. I’ve tried a few times and came closest in my first book, The Cancer Whisperer. But that didn’t express its true essence, just as it didn’t express the most sacred aspects of my relationship with cancer.

Lying in this machine is a thundering wake-up call to remind me I am ready. I don’t need to write the book he might have written or attempt to emulate him in the process. There is a story to tell that integrates various wisdoms I have collected along the way, including my own. I have found my own voice.

My mind quietens and something stirs in the stillness. I breathe. I listen. I wait.

Extract from Lifeshocks by Sophie Sabbage, published by Hodder, priced £17.99.